A simple question like "What have you been up to?" Can send me in to a sudden panic and when I say panic I mean full on freeze, the lack of communication from my brain to my mouth which of course usually ends with me saying something ridiculously stupid in reply or it leaves me just smiling politely and trying to leave the room like it's about to explode.
Simple things.
Other simple things can be when I'm asked what I want to do, this of course is a common question among most human beings in social situations, it's polite and shows that you actually want to do something with the person you're asking.
Most people being asked this would give out some suggestions and together they'd decide what to do and do it, probably having fun or in some cases wishing they hadn't agreed to go sky diving from a plane.
When I'm asked, I open my mouth and do a fantastic impression of a gold fish.
I don't know what it is but when I'm asked these questions, simple questions, it triggers a small panic attack inside me.
My heart races, my mind goes blank and I suddenly get a strong urge to run away...
Unfortunately I see leaving the room as something extremely bad and can't do it even if it's what I really should do.
The thing is on my own I have so many ideas of what I want to do, I am confident and ready to be silly and have fun, then when it actually comes to doing something... I crack up.
People don't quite understand how these minor panic attacks affect me and I hate talking about them to people because I get some very common responses, "It's fine," "It's all in your head, mind over matter girl!" or "Just get on with it, face your fears"
I know these are said in a kind way but to me they are saying, it's not a big deal, you're making it bigger than it is and stop dwelling on it, you're fine. Buck up!
I've always struggled in social situations as I tend to have different likes and feelings than other people and being somebody who doesn't like to rock the boat so to speak I don't like voicing my opinions in case I get attacked.
And when I say attacked I don't mean vicious claws out attack, I mean verbal comments that aren't meant that way at all. If I'm made fun of for believing something then I feel stupid believing it, I don't have a backbone and that really frustrates me.
I hate how I'll freely change my opinion to someone elses yet other people would never do the same for me and for good reason! I don't understand why I'm so different.
Anxiety really has a great way of making you feel isolated. Even when you're most definitely not!
No comments:
Post a Comment